a reunion with unlistened to artists

By Eleanor Pitt

When the days start to get shorter and colder, and Christmas approaches, nostalgia becomes a more familiar feeling. The early darkness and drop in temperature encourages me to stay indoors, and in not communing with the world as often, I want to indulge in memory more, to connect with myself. The easiest way to do this is to listen to the music I grew up with. For me, music is the way I can most easily connect to my younger selves. And I think it's important to do this – to acknowledge the people you once were with respect. So today I want to write something for all of them – the girls of various ages who make up my musical taste. I’m going to write about their very favourites, the artists and music I don't listen to as much anymore, yet still has formed a large part of my personality.

As a kid, I didn’t listen to a lot of music. Very-little-me liked Disney songs, and musicals, and the classical music my dad would play in the car. As I got older, I liked a lot of cover artists on YouTube – one that comes to mind is ‘adrisaurus’ whose version of ‘The Hanging Tree’ from The Hunger Games was what I chose to sing for my school’s talent show. I like this kid, she doesn’t give a shit.

But the first musical artist I turn to, in reunion with my younger selves, is Marina, or Marina and the Diamonds as 13-year-old Eleanor would have known her. I was obsessed with her album Electra Heart. The layers of meaning to that album, as well as her online presence and music videos, struck my imagination at that young and impressionable age. That album changed my life. The commonly presented archetypes of women-housewife, teen idol, primadonna and homewrecker- that she draws on helped me to understand and recognise these archetypes in myself and the other women I saw around me, on TV, in advertisements. It was my introduction to any kind of feminism, and the way she embodied the character of Electra Heart completely - blurring the lines between performativity and real life - spoke, I realise now, to how I felt I had to perform to embody some aspects of typical womanhood. I still carry her loud, excitable, emotional proclamation.

This was also when I started really getting into Gaga – but who ‘gets into’ Gaga? When you start listening to her, it feels like she’s always been there. She expresses through her strange but starkly emotional lyrics how I have always felt. When I listen to the tinny hollow beats of The Fame Monster, or the pulsating rhythms of Born This Way, I am transported back to being 13, in my cold but colourful room, feeling safe in the grey afternoon light. Her abundance of references to pop culture and the Hollywood characters she wrote about comforted me. She knew what it was for pop culture to be personally important while also acknowledging its phoniness. Religious motifs, sex and groupie culture being referenced in the same song and music video just makes sense to a girl who grew up in the 2000s. The tabloid explosions, the constant barrage of images, the celebrity becoming at once more available and less and less attainable. This atmosphere woven into the patchwork of my childhood and early adolescence was and is as real to me as the influence of any religion. Both Marina and Gaga stood out to me as weird women who still embraced pop culture and femininity in ways that were just as deep as any male ‘greats’ or auteurs.

And now comes 14, 15. MAJOR discovery here. David Bowie. In high school, I loved him so much that when he died people whom I did not know came up to me and apologized for my loss. David was culturally intelligent and very weird, like Gaga, but listening to him and watching his videos I often felt we shared the same brain. The first time I heard him it was like falling in love at first sight. In his earlier work, his specific frustrations, takes, the way he played with gender, were all the same as mine. In his later work, his reflective nature on youth and disgust with commercialism and the music industry spoke to my maturing (I thought) brain. Living far from my school and my friends, I covered my room in pictures and posters of him, maybe to feel less lonely. Still, I was always more into his music and imagery, not so much him as a person. It was a true artistic connection. I don’t listen to him much anymore, but when I do I feel her come back to me – the lonely, awkward teenager who loved his music. With me and the music to look after her, she’s okay now.

Through the rest of high school, there were other artists I liked, other genres that were important to me, but none of them were very significant. And then I got to university. Being around other students meant I started to listen to what was current. I discovered the Girls: Ariana Grande, Megan Thee Stallion, Doja Cat, Kali Uchis, and some older icons like Britney, Mariah and Whitney just to name a few. This music was fun, and juicy, and feminine. It was played when we got ready for a night out, or when I was walking to a class or appointment that I was nervous for. I still love these artists for their confidence and feminine energy, but for my 17/18-year-old first year self, I see how listening to this music is a product of my need for a confidence boost, a hyper-attachment to the people around me and what they liked – and also part of a slight identity crisis I think everyone experiences when they move to an unfamiliar place, especially if they’re a teenager. Mine took the form of wanting to be closer with other women, as well as wanting to connect with my own womanhood more. In continuing to listen to this music, I acknowledge the growth I experienced at this time, but I think I see it differently now. I use this music today to connect with myself, to have fun, not to drown out anxieties.

Listening to the music you used to love is a kind of self-care. Even when it is embarrassing, or reminiscent of bad memories, it forces an acknowledgment of how much you have grown, of the deeper parts of you, the people you used to be. In reuniting with these artists, I’m really reuniting with my inner voices, influenced by these great artists over the years. Try it!